Sunday, March 21, 2010


I know that I typically tend to present a fairly optimistic and happy outlook on this blog. Honestly, that is how I tend to approach life. I have a good life. Still, I am human, and that I have a normal good/bad balance in my life. As quite a few of you reading this are close friends in far away places, I feel ok about opening up and being a little more candid about what's going on.

I have recently hurt a lot of people that I care about. None of it was intentional, but it still happened and they were still hurt. I'm lucky to have the amazing kind of friends who want to talk through things and work through the hard stuff.

As much as I love my job, it was really taking a toll. Either I couldn't spend time with the people I care about, or I was with them and in total zombie-mode. What came across as uncaring and distanced was really just stress and exhaustion. While I still cared deeply about them and what was going on in their lives, I wasn't able to be there or to be present. They made me realize that I had become "that person" - the one I never wanted to be. There are still a couple of conversations that need to happen, some friendships that need to be patched, but it feels good to be heading in that direction. There are few things as humbling as realizing that people are willing to go through all parts of life right beside you.

I also recently had to make an incredibly tough decision in another area of my life. You know how they say that doing the right thing isn't easy? I am convinced that it gets less easy as you get older. There's more at stake, there's more to take into consideration. Even the right decisions involve a certain amount of unavoidable pain, and even if you are doing someone a favor, it might take some time before they are able to realize it. My friend has told me that I am a Summer Finn, and my only response is that no one wants to be that.

Another work week starts tomorrow. More deadlines, more evening plans, more books to read, and two new notebooks to fill. There are more open windows and rainy spring evenings ahead. More tough conversations, more vulnerability, more cups of tea with friends. More decisions to make. And more of me is feeling like it's still all going to be ok.

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